It feels like the Great Ending of the first half of my life on both practical and metaphysical levels. But this ending feels long. Many times I thought the ending was ending, but the ending had other ideas. 

What has felt true to me recently is that I am the block to this ending. I sense that the ending is asking me to become the person who is ready to enter the second half of my life, before it will arrive. 

A few times over the years, I thought that I was there, naively.

And yet Life continues to remind me, when the ending doesn’t end, that I am not.

One of the things that I have been doing is a deliberate consideration of all material belongings that I hold in my home and life.

Material belongings have an energy. Many can relate to the feeling of relief after the release of old belongings or when we create new space in our home, as we create an inner space within us as a result of the outer space. 

It’s a release of energy within and without.

Over the last three to four years, I have been spending time finding new homes for my belongings, selling them, recycling them, or throwing them away. I’m now approaching the ending of this process. 

In the last month, I sold all my furniture. My husband and I are now selling our cars. Our home auction is in a month. But, one of the most surprisingly poignant parts has been what I’m about to tell you about.

“A polymath is an individual whose knowledge and expertise span a diverse range of subject areas. They master multiple distinct disciplines and use this broad, interconnected understanding to solve problems or create new ideas.” [Wikipedia]

There have been many chapters in my life.

On the outside, sometimes it doesn’t seem like there’s a coherent narrative between them. Often, I give myself a hard time about this, and it’s a source of pain.

“How can I go from being a chemical engineer to business leader to opera singer to the creator of shows with planetariums, to writing albums, making films then becoming a coach, and now running a business in leadership and culture consulting? And there was half a doctorate in there. And now lifting heavy weights has captured my interest.” 

But, there is a coherence.

During the last three Sundays, I have been burning papers from the last decades of my life. A gift from that experience has been to gain more of an embodied understanding of the threads that weave it all together.

The boxes and boxes of papers contained decades of work from my life, including work from school, years of notes from my chemical engineering degree, years of projects and training courses as an engineer in different countries around the world. I burned a box of lanyards from many different arts performances that I had been part of. I burned documents from the opera company that I spent seven years of my life dedicated to building and performing in. I burned music I’ll never look or sing at again. I burned work from festivals I worked in.

There was a moment yesterday, on the third burning Sunday, where I picked up a page from a chemistry project from my final year of school.

Sixteen-year-old Jenna wrote: 

“I chose to research free energy, entropy and enthalpy in chemical reactions because I found this really interesting when I learned about it, and I wanted to learn more.”

And when I read that, I teared up. Both then, and now as I write.

I noticed that she just wanted to learn more about the things that she was curious about. She was fascinated, and she really enjoyed crafting projects and taking actions in the world that were feeding that deep, pure curiosity. Because she learned from that. And she loved learning.

And I saw that I’m still that girl. 

That woman. 

I’m still that human. 

I’m still that leader. 

That deep curiosity, wonder and love of learning is still part of me, every day. Learning and trying new things and experiencing new worlds gives me joy. My life journey of walking through vastly different worlds has shaped my becoming.

And yet, our Western culture does not reward humans who are curious about, and skilled in, many different things. 

Our culture rewards people who are experts in one thing, who spend their lives and their careers dedicated to one area, to one craft, and they become experts in it. They become known for one thing. In many ways, I’m the opposite of that.

So sometimes I give myself a hard time that I haven’t stayed in one career or industry.

I’ve learned a lot of things about a lot of things. 

I have a polymathic brain. 

I cannot exist in a ‘box’.

It means I see the world differently to many around me. I see and know the benefits of that, and I know that it’s part of my design. 

I might even say that it’s not just my design though, because for many of the humans that I know, if they were allowed to be curious and to experience awe and wonder, and if they took action upon that, they might have a similar journey of travelling through different worlds and places.

Is curiosity designed for us to do that? A force to diversify us as beings, cultures and organisations?

I know that there is an evolutionary nature to curiosity and creativity. I know that if we notice it, listen to it, align our actions with it, it changes us. It takes us to different places. We meet new people. We do different things. And we are woven by it.

But, back to the fire.

When I am opening these folders of hundreds and hundreds of handwritten pages of my work from many years ago, I remember the moments. 

It’s like a folding of time. 

I remember the version of me who wrote those words. I remember the moment. I remember the rooms. I remember the people who were there. I remember the teachers. I remember what was important to me at that time.

What is interesting to me also is what I have forgotten. I have completely forgotten whole subjects of technical engineering work. And what’s also beautiful to notice is what has stayed with me. It’s the memories of the human beings and their stories, the emotions, the times when I felt challenged, the endearing things I noticed about the teachers and their oddities, the inspiring things about the female teachers. I remember when I was embarrassed. I remember when people were cruel to me. I remember when people praised me. I remember how I felt. I remember that I took great care with what I was doing.

And this folding of time allows me to reconnect with younger and previous versions of me who were doing their absolute best at what they had committed to at the time.

Life as a Spiral Labyrinth

I see my life as a labyrinth. Not one you enter from the edge, but a spiral labyrinth, like the centre of a tree, and I started in the middle. Each cycle that I move through is informed and shaped by the spiral that came before it, and yet it is still part of one whole. I can see how each of these younger, former versions of me have shaped who I am now.

And somehow, burning all of these pages has helped me to see more of the beauty in each of those moments.

Burning felt violent, initially. Fire can be seen as disruptive, destructive. But it was also a practical solution – there is no way that I can afford, nor want, to take that much paper with me to Europe that I would rarely look at again. 

I chose to put a different intention behind the burning. Instead, I invited it to be a releasing, an alchemising, an integration of each of those moments where the ink was put on those pages, where the fingers were typing, where the curiosity was engaged, where the work was being done.

Each of those moments are part of me. Younger Jenna didn’t know that all the diverse chapters were part of building a polymathic, multidimensional, diverse brain, nervous system and worldview that is now part of the gold that I carry for my current work.

Is my current chapter my final destination? 

I’m sure it’s not. I am like a ship on an ocean that keeps moving past shores, through places and spaces. I can see that each of the versions of me that I have spent time with over the last three burning Sundays believed – in some cases hoped – that there would be an ‘arrival’.

But there is no arrival. Only moving through and being shaped by the places and spaces of which I have been a part. And being present enough to appreciate the moments along the way.

Alchemical Engineering

The fire is a chemical and alchemical transformation of all of that past effort, energy, ink, curiosity, woven and moulded into the human I am today and will continue to become.

Thank you to the fire for being the container, for holding those past versions of me and allowing them to become part of me today.

Moving through different worlds has made me a polymathic human that the dominant culture doesn’t understand so well. That always creates pain for the part of me that longs to be understood.

The fire taught me to be kinder to myself in relation to that journey. The burning Sundays allowed me to notice, more fully, that my curious nature is beautiful, natural, evolutionary, and needed in the world. And I am reminded how much courage each of my personal and professional transformations has asked me to embody.

I remembered that polymaths can read the connections and gaps between different industries. By understanding the intersections of science, art, business, technology, philosophy, spirituality, we are often highly innovative, multidisciplinary problem-solvers.

This is deeply needed in the current moment.

I feel it more in my body now that my curiosity is not an indulgence or something to regret. It is part of the essence of who I am. 

And it really is okay to be me. 

Perhaps this might unlock the great ending for me, but perhaps not.

Life will show me.

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Jenna Robertson is the founder of Gaia’s Evolution, a leadership and culture development provider for purpose-led founders, leaders, creatives, teams and organisations. She is a certified coach, facilitator, consultant, published author, speaker and an internationally award-winning artist in music and film.

Skilled at walking her clients through personal and professional transformations and creating group spaces for transformation, book a call with Jenna if you need support with your next phase of letting go and allowing the new.

Or learn more here: www.gaiasevolution.com