I used to be determined to make a huge impact on the world. To be on large stages. Impacting millions of people’s lives. I felt that was my path.
Image by Maleika Halpin
And as my thirties went on, burnout kept returning, and my path began to speak of an impact that might be less than the ‘big’ I previously imagined for myself.
I began to feel a sense of fear.
Fear of not being enough.
Fear of not making enough impact.
Fear of not making enough money.
Fear of not being successful enough.
Fear of not having enough purpose in my life.
And…
Fear of my choice not to have children.
Because part of choosing not to become a mother of my own children, was because I told myself I could instead achieve impact through my career.
So, what was my worth if I was not a mother and not running a multi-million dollar business impacting millions of lives?
This led to a deep, dark hole of unworthiness and fear.
Regret.
Excruciating feelings of failure.
I began to sit with these beliefs and think about their origins. They were built into my subconscious through external conditioning:
I am successful if others in power choose me.
I am successful if I have a huge social media following.
I am successful if I am a millionaire.
I am successful if I have a career path pre-determined by others.
I am a failure because I failed at marriage.
I am a failure because I am not a mother.
And as I sat with those feelings, the question emerged;
What is truth here?
What is impact?
What is big?
What is success?
What is my worth?
Where did these preconceived beliefs come from?
Which ones are bullshit?
What was actually true for me?
I had initiated a process of belief upgrades that over time, were having a cumulative healing effect. With my clients, I often use the analogy of installing new software on a computer. Uninstalling beliefs is like uninstalling old software that used to run the system. Installing new beliefs is like installing new software that upgrades how the system runs.
Beware of the mindset-only approach to this touted by some coaches - beliefs don't just live in our mind, they live in our bodies and nervous system and it takes time and work with the body to shift belief systems.
The more I unravelled beliefs from my mind and nervous system that had been installed through external conditioning, and the more I installed new beliefs that felt good, the better I began to feel about myself and my life.
My daily companions.
TEACHINGS FROM THE TREES
My thirties gave way to my forties.
Healing from burnout had me living amongst trees and nature and birds and fresh, eucalyptus air. My daily companions, thus.
And each day I had looked at the trees, without them saying a word, they had embedded themselves in me.
What is a tree’s ambition?
How am I different from that tree?
Is the tree trying to make an impact on the world?
Are the birds defining their worth by their income?
Are the ferns defining their success by their career?
The trees, just are.
They are worthy just by their being.
Their impact could be described as the energy they give to those around them through the oxygen they continuously make, the nutrients they generously share with those around them through their root system and mycelium, and the teachings they offer us humans willing to listen.
They are worthy, because they are. The big trees are just as worthy as the little trees. And they are so, so beautiful.
Could I be worthy and enough, just because I am?
I smiled with this truth.
Yes.
And something melted away.
Co-facilitating with Joel Carnegie at APAX 2023.
Each day, I impact the world around me. My husband, my clients, my family, my friends, my step-son and the land where I live. I breathe my carbon dioxide to the trees who enjoy it as part of their needs. I impact the plants with my kind presence.
Those who I impact, receive my loving energy, my deep space holding and cheeky humour. They receive my life force, the unique expression of me. And as they receive my energy, they are changed - in some way, big or small. And as they are changed, they change others. An energetic ripple effect worthy in its bigness or smallness. And this is what it means to be alive and have impact. It is enough.
As this knowing began to live in my body, I noticed something.
Ambition began to dissolve. It was replaced by something else.
Now, I am committed, to organic expansion of my audience and business in a way that feels good to my body and those who work with me. If opportunities come my way that include engagement with a large audience, I welcome them, but I do not hinge my worth upon having them. And that is enough.
I know I already impact the world in a powerful way, at the capacity that I have, and that is and will always be enough.
I am worthy as a human outside of a capitalist system. The true measure of worth is simply the quality of our being. And that is enough.
I am worthy without being a biological mother. Because I am a metaphysical mother that nurtures and gives birth to ideas, projects and other kinds of conscious living things in the world. And that is enough.
The belief system I have cultivated has given me a life that provides everything I could possibly need and more. And that is truly, enough.
I am like a tree.
I am the tree.
I just am.
Ambition has dissolved and been replaced with peace.
ACHIEVER TO REGENERATOR
In regenerative leadership, we call this the shift from the ‘achiever’ to ‘regenerative’. Where we are no longer defined by achieving and outer recognition and we become an ally of life and a radiator of peace and wholeness.
Image by Giles Hutchins, my coach and mentor.
In the process of dissolving ambition, we are dissolving harmful beliefs from within us that have often originated from colonial systems such as capitalism.
Now, capitalism in particular isn’t going away in our lifetimes, so my view is to work with it as a system of energy flow that can empower us and power businesses to become a force for good in regenerating our planet, cultures and society.
However, I am invested in decoupling capitalism from its power within our inner worlds.
Within capitalism, our worth as human beings equates to our productivity and career prestige within a mechanistic system of work perpetuated by a consciousness that is destroying the planet and our species.
Instead of our worth being measured by, for example, how much sustainable nourishment we provide to the non-hierarchical, human and more-than-human living ecosystem around us.
Let's not confuse decoupling from systems of oppression with poverty. Money is not bad. Having huge audiences is not bad. These are wonderful things. But the more we decouple from systems of oppression within our minds, the more free and abundant we become at the being level. The more free and abundant we become, the more energy flows to us - including in the form of money and opportunities. But our sense of worth is not attached to or dependent upon these and we are free and abundant with or without them.
Image by Salvador Cantellano
Ambition is often fuelled by inner beliefs of not-enoughness and unworthiness. This belief stems from the original wound in human history created when we were severed from our interconnectedness with nature. The original wound that underpins the predominant consciousness of our current society that has initiated the sixth mass extinction on Earth.
Let’s consider - if we are indeed not starving and under immediate threat to survival – that who we are and what we have is enough.
If you considered that you are enough, how does that change your view of ambition? How does it change how you show up in the day? How does it change your relationship with your body? How does it change your understanding of your purpose on this planet?
When we do these belief upgrades, which can take many years, we become trust. Trust in life. We become surrender. Surrender to life's innate intelligence. We become beauty. Multi-dimensional, heart-exploding beauty.
We become life.
We have reconnected.
Our very being becomes the impact.
We become a beacon for the healing of the original wound.
My hope now, is that when my soul leaves my body on this Earth, that I did my best to be this beacon.
I may indeed touch millions of hearts in my life time. Maybe I already have and I don't know it. My truth now, is that I simply trust my path and I know that whatever happens, is okay. In fact, it's not only okay, it is exactly what is meant to be, for me.
When my soul leaves my body, if I know that I truly nurtured the ecosystem around me, and that I showed up with love, curiosity, compassion, courage, peace and wholeness, I will know that mine was a life well lived.
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If you’d like to explore the achiever to regenerator shift, for yourself, groups, teams or organisations, reach out to Jenna Robertson, Founder and Principal Coach, Consultant and Facilitator of Gaia’s Evolution; a leadership and culture consultancy dedicated to cultivating regenerative human capacities for planetary and human thriving. www.jennarobertson.com
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