To hear Jenna narrate this article, rather than reading below, listen here:

Between 2013 and 2021, I went through a series of burnouts.

The worst burnout, in 2021, was so severe it left me unable to work or function – my body exhausted to the bones. Coffee had been my fuel for two decades, but had started to make me feel nauseous – my body was rejecting caffeine and forcing me to choose another way.

To recover, I could do no less than completely relearn how to live. I’d been forced to put my body’s needs before everything else for the first time. I quit caffeine and began to try to heal.

My husband was incredible at this time. He encouraged me to take some time off work to get better. This is not an option for everyone, but I took it for a few months. And over the years I have returned the favour when he’s needed it.

For three years, I slowly rebuilt my life and work around slowness, softness, connecting to natural cycles, and unravelling the beliefs that had kept me striving for decades and driven me into burnout.

By 2024, I finally felt enough strength to join a weekly dance class, and I loved moving again. But later that year, financial stress hit, I stopped dancing and turned to eating delicious marzipan to feel better, and slid into depression and isolation.

Working alone for years had caught up with me, and I realised how much I missed my pre-burnout work with huge teams, community and daily connection.

By the end of 2024, I was in the worst shape I’d ever been — the most fat I’d ever had, struggling to sit up straight, developing a stoop and unable to lift my bag into an overhead locker.

I saw photos of me from my younger sister’s beautiful wedding in November 2024, and I was shocked at what I saw. I could also see the depression.

Hitting that rock bottom mentally and physically made me choose to move again and be around more people. You can read much more about my moving through that time here.

Inspired by my sister’s experience, I decided to join a group fitness gym.

JANUARY 2025

My first class I went alone and it was fairly complicated but the whole thing was fun and I loved it. The coaches were so welcoming and made me feel that I wanted to come back (thank you BFT Town Hall team!).

I went a couple of times that week.

And then three times the week after.

And then four times the week after that.

Then I tried five and then six. Six times a week – who had I become?! I couldn’t believe it.

It was providing me with a place where I was seeing the same kind, encouraging people regularly, where I was part of a team, where we supported one another – and where we were constantly growing in our fitness and strength.

My teenage stepson came along with me on many occasions which brought us closer.

I did my first deadlift in January. It was 30kg and it felt awkward as hell. But I was pleased that I’d had a go. Deadlifts scared me – I knew that there was potential for serious injury to my back and I promised myself I would not go up in weight until my technique was good enough.

They gave me a scan at the gym which showed my body composition – when I joined and when I finished training there end of Feb. I had lost 4kg of fat and gained 6kg of lean mass (muscle and other good stuff). I was fascinated and I really felt the difference.

I LOVED seeing the really strong people in the gym. Especially the strong women. It still makes me fill with wonder and I feel like I’m watching magic when I see strong women lift.

MARCH 2025

I returned to deadlifts in March, this time at BFT Robina on the Gold Coast, where I live. Coach Clinton (Head Coach at BFT Robina) was clear and firm in his deadlift coaching, making sure that I was developing a technique that was going to protect my back. I appreciated this and felt safe to try them when he was around.

For weeks they felt awkward. My long legs getting in the way. My shins and knees bashing against the bar. My knees collapsing inwards. I convinced myself that I was not cut out for them because my legs were too long.

And then one day, Clinton encouraged me to lean back a little as I got into position to lift, and I felt something click into place – the movement began to feel like it made sense.

In March I was training now six times a week. And I had felt a dull ache in my right foot. I thought I had the wrong shoes, so I started wearing other shoes. But soon after, I was doing a fast lateral movement in cardio class (having a great time moving in time with the music), and I rolled my ankle. I heard a pop and realised something wasn’t right. A few minutes later I couldn’t walk on it and I was pretty sure I’d sprained it. The coaches iced up my foot and I’d learned a hard lesson.

My right foot warned me, but I didn’t pay enough attention because I was caught up in the endorphins. I had to take 2.5 weeks off the gym and go to physio every week for rehabilitation. I had two sprains – none were complete rips but one was serious. It took seven weeks to heal completely.

I was then faced with the experience of having my new hobby taken away, which was frustrating but necessary to bring me out of the intoxication. The break gave me time to re-orientate myself back to my body and honour the importance of remaining connected to her subtle messages to me.

When I went back, I couldn’t jump or run or do any sideways movement. I had to modify the classes and warm ups/cool downs but it was good to be moving again.

One of those first days back was deadlifts strength testing. With a strapped up ankle that couldn’t sustain much weight, I lifted 33.5kg.

APRIL 2025

My friend Nikki commented that my face had been glowing since I’d started at the gym and she had been inspired by hearing about my fitness and strength journey. I invited her to join me at the gym and she loved it too. We became training partners, accountability buddies and fierce cheerleaders for the other!

It meant a lot to me to have a training partner who supported me as much as I supported her, and a consistent group of people I was training with and being coached by each day.

I was part of a team again.

In my deadlifts, I was now lifting 40kg and I couldn’t believe it. I could tell that that was not my limit, but I told myself “do not go any heavier until 40kg feels like a feather so you don’t hurt yourself.”

A few weeks later, since it was a lower number of reps we were doing, I lifted 45kg and that felt good too. But still – I would not go heavier.

MAY 2025

The marzipan fat had been burned and was no longer there, which felt good. But around this time I’d noticed that my boobs were shrinking and I suspected I needed to ask the coaches questions about nutrition. I learned that I definitely wasn’t fuelling my body enough for all the exercise I was doing either in calories or in macros (protein, carbs, fat).

More than that, I could see that I wasn’t fuelling my body properly for many years. I think chronically underfuelling my body contributed to my metabolism adaptively slowing down and causing more fatigue. I started to pay attention to my calorie intake and took care of eating what my body needed.

Next we were to test what our maximum was for five deadlift reps with the support of the coaches. My goal I’d set eight weeks earlier was 45kg, which I’d already gotten so coach Clinton said – go for 47.5kg, and we did.

It was easy. I was surrounded by supportive training friends cheering and whooping as the new PB came in.

Then Clinton looked at me and said “50kg”.

I laughed and said to Nikki, that I was finally taking the training wheels off because I was using the ‘big girl’ weights for the first time – none of the small weights on the bar anymore – only the ‘big’ ones.

I got in position. Shins one inch from the bar. Feet lined up. Hands comfortably gripping the bar. Head up. Engage the lats. Take the slack out of the bar. Then – as Clinton says – push the world away with my feet and stand up as quick as I can.

Five reps. It was easy too. And I felt strong.

Afterwards, Clinton looked at me silently with a discerning look that he does when I think he’s carefully calculating next steps and said “how much do you weigh?” I told him “60kg”.

He said “do you want to try just one rep of your body weight?” I smiled and nodded.

As I did the first rep, I noticed I was not able to stand up quite as quickly, but it was still well within my capacity, so I went for another, and another…. And on the way down the bar started to slip out of my left hand slightly so I stopped. I’d never experienced that before. As part of the testing, our hands weren’t allowed to leave the bar so that was the end of the test.

Clinton saw that my hand slipped and asked “Why didn’t you chalk up?”. I laughed and said “I don’t know about chalk! I’ve never lifted anything heavy enough to need chalk!”

He smiled and said “Welcome to strength training”.

The truth is, I know that if my hand hadn’t slipped and I had used some chalk, I would have been able to do 5 reps, and my new PB for five reps would have been 60kg.

If you’d told me that morning, I’d have been able to do that, I would not have believed you. If you’d told me that in January I would have laughed.

I felt on a high afterwards. But there was more happening within me. It wasn’t just achieving beyond my goal – a deeper dissonance was melting and opening something up within me. I felt emotional.

I held it together till I left the gym, but in the car on the way home I started sobbing happy, healing tears.

The limiting story of what I thought my body was capable of after the burnouts had exploded and suddenly I knew the truth of my body’s ability and who I am more than I did before I lifted that 60kg.

And I hadn’t hurt my back – I felt brilliant.

As I reflected on the healing that I felt, I was able to see that I was on a deeper journey than just getting fit and strong – and I knew I was not alone.

As I returned for future sessions, I found myself looking across the gym seeing more deeply – a community of humans on this planet doing their movements and all on their own personal journeys too.

DEADLIFTING THE MASCULINE

Masculine energy (inspired by the Taoist ‘yang’): action, doing, assertive, protective, productive, grit

Feminine energy (inspired by the Taoist ‘yin’): slowness, intuitive, creativity, emotional, soft, grace

Relearning how to live had shown me that I had been pushing my body very hard my whole life. My wounded masculine energy – the inner striver, manager, doer, achiever acting from a place of not-enoughness – had been turned up to full volume, constantly overriding my body’s signals, wisdom, and creativity.

I had been chasing recognition and achievement from the outside, never feeling complete, always moving toward the next goal.

Part of this relearning involved reconnecting to my suppressed inner feminine energy and softening my overactive masculine. Over years, I reached a point where my feminine energy was leading and my inner world felt a lot more whole.

My masculine energy, which had once dominated, was now happy to be in service of the feminine, but now sat there – still within me – feeling a bit lost, unsure where it fit. I was curious how to re-integrate my healed masculine.

Something about lifting heavy weights and deadlifting was allowing me to practice new ways of embodying and relating to my masculine energy, within a feminine container. This was completely new to me and was a private experiment I held amongst the reps.

After knowing how it felt to not be able to function and create energy, I had developed a behaviour to fiercely protect and defend my body.

Coach Lindsay at the gym had said to me one day about energy: “you have to use it to get it”. That really stayed with me because it was starting to feel true to me – and that was different to the story of fiercely protecting my body’s energy as a finite resource.

The gym was showing me that jumping around in cardio and lifting heavy was actually unlocking more energy within me – while appropriately fuelled – and I was humbled and in awe of my human body that cultivated this amazing responsive intelligence.  Within me, the protective part began to melt away, knowing that she didn’t have to ‘save’ my energy any more.

Finally.

Seeing my body becoming more strong and capable was profoundly moving. It allowed me to love her in a new way. I had been practicing the delicate balance between resting when my body truly needed it, and pushing myself to the gym even when I didn’t feel like it – a vital nuance.

Some new truths emerged within me:

My body is strong.

My body is safe to be strong.

My body is safe to use energy.

My body is safe to use masculine energy.

And – I don’t have to ask a strong man to lift heavy things for me.

STRENGTH AND THE PATRIARCHY

Beyond a longing for a stronger, more functional body, I realized I carried a deeper belief: that men lift heavy things, and women leave it to them. And while we only need to look at the world records and know that our bodies are built differently and do different things to different extents, it is not a universal truth and I now see this as a limiting, patriarchal, culturally conditioned idea.

The patriarchy benefits from women who are not physically strong.

I’m happy to let a strong man, like my husband, demonstrate his strength when it matters – I see beauty in that, and I enjoy seeing that it supports him to feel needed. But it had never occurred to me that I could lift heavy things too.

During the winter, at home on the mountain, my husband was working on the fireplace and we couldn’t have the fire on. I thought, “I’ll have to ask him to carry the big radiator upstairs.” Then another thought came: “Jenna… maybe you can do this yourself.”

I walked downstairs, bent down, and lifted the clunky, heavy radiator. I carried it upstairs in one go and easily put it down where I wanted it.

Holy shit. A whole new realm of lived experience was opening up to me.

I was beginning to understand that the power of the emotions I felt after lifting the first 60kg deadlift went deeper than my own lived experience. I could see that it was intergenerational, like a lineage was being healed — not just me, but my female ancestors and the cultural stories we’d carried.

On this strength journey, I am rewriting the story of my body, my life, and the women who came before me. I’m creating a stronger, healthier body for my future decades. The benefits ripple across every part of my life: a happier gut, more energy of all kinds, better sleep, improved mental health, and even greater ease at work.

All of this told me I had to keep going. To keep showing up for the versions of myself that couldn’t have imagined this moment, and for the ancestors who were told they couldn’t, and shouldn’t, be strong.

And so I did.

JUNE 2025

I wanted to keep going with the deadlift training specifically, but the group classes didn’t have deadlifts often and I wanted to practice more.  I asked Clinton – an epic deadlifter – if he would be willing to work with me privately as a Personal Trainer and Coach, and invited Nikki to join, because she was also experiencing a parallel growth journey and joy with deadlifts.

My inner reason to train was clear, so I thought about an outer reason. I knew Clinton was doing a deadlift competition in August, so I had a look at it and noticed that beginners were welcome too.

I signed up. And Nikki – true to her open-minded, fearless self, immediately did too.

When I told Clinton I was doing it he looked at me with a facial expression I did not fully understand. He said “You’re doing Deadlifts for Dogs?” (It’s a charity competition raising money for dogs.) I said yes. He said “Okay, lets train on Saturday.”

And so we began. I searched for a weight lifting belt and bought one off a guy on facebook marketplace. I felt like a real lifter, haha!

In our first private session with Clinton, we did our maximum strength testing for only one rep – which is what happens in the competition (a 1RM – one rep maximum). I tried 70kg for the first time and got it.

I then tried 75kg, which would NOT leave the ground. It was the first time I felt what it was like to have the bar not move off the ground – it was odd and disorientating and very humbling!

We tried 72.5kg and I was able to do this one. My 1RM and max lifting was known.

JULY 2025

For the next seven Saturdays we showed up for 1:1 time to train for our deadlifts after also group classes with strength and cardio 3-5 times during the week.

Clinton had chosen a goal for me and thought I could lift 80kg in the competition. 

I didn’t.

I remembered how 75kg didn’t move off the ground and told myself I’d be happy with 75kg in the competition.

But I trusted him, and so for the next few weeks we trained at lots of reps of lower weights – which he calculated as strategic percentages of the 80kg goal – to build my strength, before we would ramp back up and test the 1RM again before the competition.

On the second Saturday, I thought it was a good idea to do a group gym class before our private session with Clinton because – honestly – the Saturday group sessions are a vibe and so much fun. I didn’t want to miss out.

I did both that day, sure, but that meant I’d done six sessions that week and deadlifting puts pressure on the nervous system – it needs space around it.

Needless to say, this affected my immunity and I got a virus two days later that took me out for the next two weeks. It was a savage virus, and I gained fat and lost muscle and took a step back in my strength journey.

But another important step forward in body wisdom – don’t do a fucking group session on the same day as a PT session with heavy lifts! Humbled, once again.

My masculine energy was enjoying showing up again in other parts of my life too. True to my pendulum nature, it showed up a bit too much and I sensed that energy pouring a little too much into my work and life. I also sensed then, where that was not helping and readjusted.

Phew – a reminder that with masculine energy, like salt, a little goes a long way and there is a time and a place for it!

I’d been eating a lot more, which initially felt wrong because of cultural conditioning and also due to environmental and other sociopolitical concerns. But as I realised I was fuelling my body for even just her basic needs to be alive, as we do with caretaking of our gardens, my metabolism returned to healthy, and I had so much more energy.

Energy to work and show up in the world as a regenerative leader and coach – addressing the root cause of environmental, social, cultural and psychological destruction in this world.

My skinny body from May had gotten bigger. I had to buy new clothes for my stronger upper body.

My shoulders had become wider shapes in the corner of my eyes. Legs were thickening. A slightly rounder bum started to look back at me in the mirror. Walking felt different. Stairs felt like gliding. I could sit up straight.

And even with fat loss, throughout the year my weight on the scales had always been going UP. As my body gets stronger and gains muscle and lean mass, that’s what’s happening and it’s fucking awesome.

Bring the kilos.

It’s beautiful to rewrite the cultural story of weight and fat, while optimising nutrition and metabolism for my body.

Three weeks before the competition, to see where I was at, Clinton asked me to try to lift 80kg after we’d done some other lifts. I couldn’t. It got 2” off the ground before the new heaviness of it had me panicked and I put it down. Not yet.

AUGUST 2025

One week before the competition, we did a rehearsal for the competition, in which we get three attempts at single lifts. I’d been strategically fuelling for weeks preparing my body for its optimal strength.

I did 70kg. No problem.

75kg. The weight I couldn’t lift two months ago. I lifted it with ease and knew I had more so we went up again. I screamed in joy as I put the bar down remembering it not budging last time.

77.5kg – Also within me. Clinton asked if I wanted to keep going up and I nodded. I knew I would get it.

80kg – The goal. I did it. With some to spare. Or should I say – my body did it. The Earth’s ancient adaptive intelligence modified my body to be able to do it in response to the way that Jenna showed up for herself with training and nutrition, consistently. 

And of course, Clinton’s expertise as a coach with knowing which exercises to program each week that would strengthen my body in the precise, right places. And Nikki’s support.

Nikki also met her goal a week early – 110kg. The joy of watching your super strong friend go through her own process makes it even more special.

The primary feeling I was left with after that session was confidence that I can trust my body and I was ready for the competition.

Next week, we arrived for the comp and coach Clinton helped Nikki and I warm up. The atmosphere was alive and fun and some nerves present in many. While I was shaking, I also felt peaceful and calm. After decades on stage doing scary things, this wasn’t new. As Clinton shared his final words of encouragement with me before I went out for my first lift, he gave me a hug and his eyes welled up. I don’t fully know what he was feeling, but I think maybe he was proud of me.

The beginner standing up there with the big lifters. The one lifting the lightest. The one he trained for her first deadlifting goal of 45kg, now walking out on to the stage for her first competition.

I did go out and lift 75kg for my first Attempt.

Then for my second attempt, 80kg.

For my final attempt, I tried 82.5kg for the first time and my left hand grip failed. My first thought after was “Oh, my hand slipped. That’s okay, I’ll do it again”. Then “Oh fuck it’s a competition and I’ve got no more attempts! Oh shit I didn’t get it but that was fun.”

Nikki hit her PB of 110kg too and although she got about 95% of the way, she also dropped the bar on her third lift, 115kg.

We got to watch Clinton compete too with the heavy lifters who were all lifting between 200-320kg. He lifted 245kg. Unreal.

Afterwards, Clinton said to Nikki and I “Next week we will try mixed grip and get 82.5kg and 115kg”. I smiled – a great plan delivered to us at just the right time.

The following week with mixed grip, I lifted not only 82.5kg but 85kg.

SEPTEMBER 2025: CONFIDENCE IN DEADLIFTS AND LIFE

I feel a quiet confidence now that is more than an ability to lift some weight. I am confident that my body now – four years after I was in chronic burnout – responds well to grit – masculine energy, held within my feminine – in both deadlifts and life.

It’s the final step in Murdock’s Heroine’s Journey (integration of masculine and feminine), which as a whole outlines my personal and professional healing and individuation journey in my life.

THE NEXT CHAPTER

There are aspects of the fitness and strength world that activates the ‘achiever’ within me, who I worked very hard to soften and heal in the last five years. And so there is also a practicing of being in this world while also making sure not to get caught up and intoxicated with the addictive, achiever nature of the space.

While I am deeply enjoying the process of getting stronger and fitter, I’m staying sovereign and it feels good to have the skills and awareness to navigate that. Being in the world, but not of the world.

Success for me is this learning journey – not awards, competitions or recognition. And thank goodness, because usually when I try things in this life, the outcomes are different to the traditional understandings of successful – and that’s by my soul design.

I know I am here on this planet to experience tangential, deeper understandings of success and share my learnings.

There are so many different paths possible in fitness and strength, but the one that calls me the most for now is powerlifting. I’ve signed up for a novice powerlifting competition in November, which has deadlifts, squats and bench press, to continue walking the path for a little longer and add some other lifts to my practice.

I’m now working towards 90kg deadlift, 50kg squat and 40kg bench press. In January I could only lift 15kg x 3 in bench and was afraid to lift the 20kg bar.

And then I’ll see what Life has in store for me after that, as my path takes me to Spain.

Thank you to those beautiful bars and plates for teaching me so much about myself and my body. And for what I still have to learn.

Thank you Clinton for knowing just how to create the right space, programming, encouragement and care for me and for the liberation, healing and empowerment of women that your work supports. To this day, I’ve never done a deadlift without you around and this journey is as much yours as mine. Your honesty is very refreshing to me. You are an exceptional coach.

Thank you Nikki for witnessing this whole thing, being such an amazing training partner and friend and for inspiring me in your own strongwoman way. Thank you for filming every deadlift! All of these videos, bar two, were filmed by you or your lovely husband, Jason.

Thank you to my husband José for listening to my debrief from every single gym session and for his encouragement. He is 90kg and I appreciate that he lets me wrap my arms around his torso and pick him up!

Thank you to coaches Zane, Lindsay, Sammie, Kyle at gym BFT Robina for creating the community and space for me to heal and grow. Thank you to my 7am weekday training buddies who have encouraged my journey and can be heard and seen in these videos – Ari, Grant, Jas, Milva, Jo, Yana and more.

Thank you for reading this story.

Let’s go lift some heavy shit.

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To follow Jenna’s journey follow her on instagram @iamjennarobertson or to follow Clinton or Nikki on instagram follow @coached_by_clint @nikkibrown.co and to follow group strength and conditioning studio BFT Robina @bftrobina. To learn more about Jenna’s work in regenerative leadership and as an artist visit her website www.jennarobertson.com or her company www.gaiasevolution.com

Featured image at the top of the page is at Deadlift for Dogs Competition at Nexus Performance Gym Gold Coast and photography by AC Mackay Visuals.